Codependent or Empathic?

I wrote the previous blog on relationships about 14 years ago that I added to my blog on A Course in Miracles recently. I used the term "codependent" in opposition to a "Holy Relationship". A Holy Relationship implies that it is a relationship that does not ask or expect another to complete us. We are already complete in our awakening and we attract into our lives a "whole" person who is already awake. We enter into a relationship from our wholeness and work together to raise our consciousness to another level.

A relationship that is not "whole" would be described as an "entanglement". A term coined by Gay Hendricks. An entanglement happens when a person seeks another to complete them. For instance, a young, broke, beautiful woman whose father has never been close may be attracted to an older, wealthy, not so attractive man. The older, wealthy, not also attractive man is attracted to the young, broke, beautiful woman because he thinks it will make him feel younger, raise his status among his older friends, and give him a false sense of power. Ultimately, these two halves of a person do not make a whole. After the attraction phase wears off, which lasts about 6 weeks, the young woman may feel trapped, controlled, bored, and unhappy. The older man looks at the youth and vitality of the young woman and feels older. They then use what brought them together as weapons against one another. The shoot out usually ends with one or both parties injured.

My good friend, Courtney Walsh, hates the word "codependent". She would rather that I use the word "empathic" and I see her point to a certain degree. Though the word "codependent" sounds like a judgement, there are many unhealthy issues surrounding a codependent relationship that do not surround one of empathy.

I have just been working with a dear friend of mine whose husband has been on prescribed amphetamines for five years. He has been seeing two doctors at once getting double doses.This addiction has prevented him from holding a job to help support his family of 7. He simply checked out while my friend went through the death of her sister who died of breast cancer, and then went under her own breast cancer treatments. While ill, she began to OVER FUNCTION so that her spouse could UNDER FUNCTION. She covered for him, worked long hours to support the family and juggled all of the balls in the air until she could not juggle one more minute and the balls came tumbling down. She was forced to take a leave of absence from her job and diagnosed with severe exhaustion and depression. By depression, I mean that her mind was simply deplete of any serotonin or dopamine. This is more than empathy, This extreme behavior is codependency. It becomes codependency when one party loses themselves completely. The care of the self is the last item on the list that never gets completed.

I am happy to say that I spoke to my friend the other day and she is in a much better place, and so is her husband who is in the process of completing a 6 week lock down rehab program. In the midst of the chaos, she could not see her steps to the choreography that they were dancing. She had to change the dance. She had to recognize the way she kept the dysfunction alive. And after going through that and really "seeing" the whole picture she has a new kind of self respect and strength that was evident from the moment I met her. She is back and I am so glad because I missed her so much.

I think "empathic" becomes an ideal stepping stone in helping a person who is thinking and acting out codependently to see the it is a good thing to care about and help one another. We "help" where and when we can. We "do" where and when we can. But we never help or do to our own self detriment. Teaching empathy, a healthy way to relate to our fellow man, families and friends, is a great step in helping one to recognize when they have stepped over the line and the self has become non-existent or unimportant.

The difference in the two lies in what the person believes is the truth. When we feel dis-ease in a relationship, over worked, taken advantage of or simply mistreated we must question the truth of our thoughts. We created the need to over function within our own minds. We may even feel powerful that we can do it all. But the real power comes in setting boundaries and allowing others to learn lessons and do for themselves.

Recognition of the unhealthy behavior is required in order to approach the problem multidimensionally and holistically. Self-realized means exactly that. We see, we realize all that is within us that needs to be healed.