Codependent or Empathic?

I wrote the previous blog on relationships about 14 years ago that I added to my blog on A Course in Miracles recently. I used the term "codependent" in opposition to a "Holy Relationship". A Holy Relationship implies that it is a relationship that does not ask or expect another to complete us. We are already complete in our awakening and we attract into our lives a "whole" person who is already awake. We enter into a relationship from our wholeness and work together to raise our consciousness to another level.

A relationship that is not "whole" would be described as an "entanglement". A term coined by Gay Hendricks. An entanglement happens when a person seeks another to complete them. For instance, a young, broke, beautiful woman whose father has never been close may be attracted to an older, wealthy, not so attractive man. The older, wealthy, not also attractive man is attracted to the young, broke, beautiful woman because he thinks it will make him feel younger, raise his status among his older friends, and give him a false sense of power. Ultimately, these two halves of a person do not make a whole. After the attraction phase wears off, which lasts about 6 weeks, the young woman may feel trapped, controlled, bored, and unhappy. The older man looks at the youth and vitality of the young woman and feels older. They then use what brought them together as weapons against one another. The shoot out usually ends with one or both parties injured.

My good friend, Courtney Walsh, hates the word "codependent". She would rather that I use the word "empathic" and I see her point to a certain degree. Though the word "codependent" sounds like a judgement, there are many unhealthy issues surrounding a codependent relationship that do not surround one of empathy.

I have just been working with a dear friend of mine whose husband has been on prescribed amphetamines for five years. He has been seeing two doctors at once getting double doses.This addiction has prevented him from holding a job to help support his family of 7. He simply checked out while my friend went through the death of her sister who died of breast cancer, and then went under her own breast cancer treatments. While ill, she began to OVER FUNCTION so that her spouse could UNDER FUNCTION. She covered for him, worked long hours to support the family and juggled all of the balls in the air until she could not juggle one more minute and the balls came tumbling down. She was forced to take a leave of absence from her job and diagnosed with severe exhaustion and depression. By depression, I mean that her mind was simply deplete of any serotonin or dopamine. This is more than empathy, This extreme behavior is codependency. It becomes codependency when one party loses themselves completely. The care of the self is the last item on the list that never gets completed.

I am happy to say that I spoke to my friend the other day and she is in a much better place, and so is her husband who is in the process of completing a 6 week lock down rehab program. In the midst of the chaos, she could not see her steps to the choreography that they were dancing. She had to change the dance. She had to recognize the way she kept the dysfunction alive. And after going through that and really "seeing" the whole picture she has a new kind of self respect and strength that was evident from the moment I met her. She is back and I am so glad because I missed her so much.

I think "empathic" becomes an ideal stepping stone in helping a person who is thinking and acting out codependently to see the it is a good thing to care about and help one another. We "help" where and when we can. We "do" where and when we can. But we never help or do to our own self detriment. Teaching empathy, a healthy way to relate to our fellow man, families and friends, is a great step in helping one to recognize when they have stepped over the line and the self has become non-existent or unimportant.

The difference in the two lies in what the person believes is the truth. When we feel dis-ease in a relationship, over worked, taken advantage of or simply mistreated we must question the truth of our thoughts. We created the need to over function within our own minds. We may even feel powerful that we can do it all. But the real power comes in setting boundaries and allowing others to learn lessons and do for themselves.

Recognition of the unhealthy behavior is required in order to approach the problem multidimensionally and holistically. Self-realized means exactly that. We see, we realize all that is within us that needs to be healed.

SEVEN GUIDELINES FOR ENTERING INTO RELATIONSHIPS

SEVEN GUIDE LINES

1. UNDERSTAND THE MEANING AND IMPORTANCE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. (This provides an environment where miracles can occur.)

2. DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF BEFORE GETTING DEEPLY INVOLVED WITH ANYONE ELSE. (If you don’t want to spend an evening alone with yourself, why would anyone else want to?)

3. LEARN HOW YOUR DEMANDS AND PREFERENCES CREATE YOUR WORLD.

4. BE AWARE THAT FALLING IN LOVE IS NOT THE BASIS FOR A MARRIAGE. (Relationships are assignments, we should love everyone but we should not marry everyone)

5. BE SURE THAT YOU CAN SHARE A LIFE TOGETHER IN A WAY THAT CONTRIBUTES TO YOUR MUTUAL WELL-BEING.

6. HONOR YOUR DIFFERENCES.

7. DON’T EXPECT THE RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

KEEPING THE RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY

1. Communicate deeper and deeper levels of honesty.

2. Ask for what you want, but don’t be addicted to getting it.

3. Work on your personal growth, not your partners.

4. Notice that both you and your partner always have a beneficial, positive intention.

5. Give all the gifts you can emotionally afford to give.

6. Discover how your relationship is perfect for your enjoyment or your growth

7. Enrich your relationship by giving to others.

YOUR EGO OFTEN CHOOSES TO FORGET THAT YOUR HAPPINESS DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON YOUR GROWTH. IT IS ALWAYS EASIER TO RECOGNIZE THE AREAS IN OUR PARTNER THAT NEED HEALING.

CONSCIOUS LOVING - BECOMING CO-COMMITTED by Gay Hendricks

We all want our relationships to be springboards to higher consciousness and enhanced creative expression. Unconscious loving turns relationships into ENTANGLEMENTS, which bring out and actually require the destructive habits of each participant. Unconscious loving saps our energy and creativity. (Entanglements would be defined as a “special relationship, a relationship created by the weakness of the ego. The ego’s biggest weapon used to keep us from healing our separation from God.

There is possible, a state of well being which enhances the energy and creativity of each person, it is called CO-COMMITMENT. A CO-CREATIVE relationship is passionate, productive and a harmonious. We turn the energy that would have been wasted through conflict into creativity and growth.

Why are close relationships, which are supposed to be about love, often so painful? What are we doing that causes the pain? What are we overlooking? How can we have more love and less pain?

Love is a powerful force. If we do not know how to handle its power, we slip very quickly into its painful distortions, such as, conflict and co-dependency. It is resistance to love that causes the problems. Love brings to the surface the parts of ourselves that we most desperately try to keep hidden. When they emerge, we often retreat, blaming love and those who have loved us.

Codependency is an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. Relationships can exist only between equals; inequality is a hallmark of codependency. Entanglements are what we participate in when we are codependent, not relationships. Entanglement is a snare, and a complication; a net, from which escape is difficult. Two people intertwined in such a way that the freedom of each is limited.

Codependents often are not addicted to substances but to something much subtler, CONTROL and APPROVAL. When you break through your approval and control programming, there is a natural Spiritual essence that can be consciously experienced. Notice how you are controlling and jockeying for approval, then GIVE IT UP!!!

WHAT IS COMMITMENT?

A co-committed relationship cultivates enhanced energy that enables both partners to make a greater contribution than either could make alone.

CLOSENESS AND SPACE

In close relationships, we all have two distinct needs, closeness and independence. Co-committed relationships acknowledged and celebrate both of these needs. You get close, and when it’s time, you separate for a while. A good relationship is a pulsation of closeness and independence. Both parts are essential.

DYNAMICS OF NEW RELATIONSHIP

1. Two people get CLOSE.

2. Out of closeness comes FEAR.

3. Out of fear comes EXPECTATION OF PAIN.

4. Out of expectations they WITHDRAW from each other.

5. Often they blame each other for their pain. (PROJECTION)

6. END of relationship

REPEAT . . .

The real need here is to communicate about these issues. Tell the truth about what they are experiencing, and take some space to allow themselves to become comfortable.

COMMON FEELINGS WE EXPERIENCE WHEN WE START GETTING CLOSE.

*I’m not worthy.

*I’m still angry and hurt from a past relationship.

*Something is basically wrong with me.

*If I get close, I’ll get swallowed up and lose myself.

When these feelings emerge, we often:

**Withdraw and pull back without telling the other person what is going on.

**We manufacture something wrong with the other person or the relationship to give us an excuse to pull back righteously.

**We numb out, losing touch with our feelings.

**Old tapes begin to play in our minds, memories of past situations and fantasies of the future. These take us out of the present reality.

**We get sick.

**We have an accident.

**We have an argument.

Individual development is crucial because humans are separate beings as well as beings who thrive on union with others.

ISSUES WE HAVE ABOUT GETTING CLOSE

1. When my partner goes away, I feel abandoned.

2. I’m afraid I can’t take care of myself.

3. I’m afraid of taking risks by myself.

4. If my partner really loved me, he’d want to be with me all the time.

CYCLES OF CLOSENESS AND SPACE OCCUR FREQUENTLY.

THE INEVITABLE: As a result of the closeness we experience in the romance phase of a relationship, unpleasant parts of our personality will begin to emerge. You learned certain problems and feelings and patterns in earlier close relationships and the closeness you are feeling now brings them to the surface.

PERSONALITY PROBLEMS THAT SURFACE WITH CLOSENESS

TRUST (We learn trust in our first year of life.)

We ask, “Is it safe here?” “Will he leave me?” “Can I trust my feelings?”

“Is he who he appears to be?”

AUTHORITY ISSUES

“Nobody is going to tell me what to do!” SELF-ESTEEM

Once we hand over our power to the other person, we are at their mercy. We ask ourselves “Am I really worthwhile?” “Does anybody love me for myself?” “Do I deserve to be here?” LONG

REPRESSED FEELINGS

“I never know that I was an angry person until I got into a relationship.”

SEXUAL ISSUES

“Will I ever be able to have a satisfying sexual connection with another person?” “Why can’t I ask for what I want sexually?”

THE CHOICE POINT

At this point when our fears surface, we determine whether the relationship will become co-committed or codependent.

CHOICE A - Co-commitment

You inquire into the source of those issues; you take full responsibility for them and tell the full truth about them to your partner. When you do this, you can see and Love the previously UNLOVED parts of yourself. With the liberated energy from seeing and communication the truth of your patterns and feelings, you will ride to a new, higher level of love and intimacy.

CHOICE B - Codependency

You keep your emerging issues secret. You don’t look at them and you don’t tell the truth about them. You withhold. You keep inside things that need to be expressed. You swallow your anger. You what something and fail to ask.

You withdraw. You pull back contact and quit reaching out. You are lonely, but you turn down invitations to go out.

You project. You attribute to another something that is actually going on at an unconscious level within yourself.

OUTCOME OF CHOICE B

You both agree not to look into certain areas of your lives (Ostrich option)

If you don’t change, I won’t either.

We focus our attention on alcohol, food, drugs, sex or work instead of solving our problems.

If you do all the thinking, I’ll do all the feeling.

PAYOFFS OF CHOICE A

*You move closer to each other.

*You move to a higher level of intimacy.

*You open the possibility of more creativity.

RELATIONSHIP TRAPS

*Letting people get away with killing themselves.

*Seeking friends who support your self-destruction.

*You replay your parents’ dysfunctional patterns.

*Addiction to conflict.

*The agreement to mess up (You mess up and I’ll fix it.)

ESSENTIAL CO-COMMITMENTS

1. I commit myself to being close, and I commit myself to clearing up anything in theway of my ability to do so.

2. I commit to reveal myself fully in my relationships, not to conceal myself.

3. I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual.

4. I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.

5. I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the creator of my reality.

6. I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.

FUNDAMENTAL REQUIREMENTS

1. FEEL ALL YOU FEELINGS

2. TELL THE MICROSCOPIC TRUTH

3. KEEP YOU AGREEMENTS.

CORE FEELINGS

By getting in touch with our core feelings, we can communicate them better. Core feelings are sadness, fear, anger, joy and excitement. Love is the deepest core feeling it embraces all feelings. If we persist, we can find LOVE behind every feeling.

We have been programmed not to be with our feelings so we express them inappropriately, or eat, smoke, drink etc. to get rid of them. FEEL your feelings. Depression is anger repressed. The past has a way of cropping up if we don’t fully grieve it, deal with it, and finish it.

You can FEEL without acting on your feelings especially anger and sexual feelings. WE repress many sexual feelings we could actually enjoy. You can be with your feelings until they pass, as they always will if you let yourself feel then. WE can express these feelings in creative, healthy ways. Locate your feelings somewhere in your body. They are always located somewhere; tightness in the throat, quivering stomach, and stiffness in the shoulders etc. are some of the feelings that make us uncomfortable. These sensations seem less threatening than feelings. Feelings have cycles just like any other phenomena of nature. If we ride the wave, they will come and go. We often, however, interrupt our feelings mid-cycle. Interfering with the cycle throws our energy off as well as buries the unfinished feeling inside of us, where it could surface at any moment. We should not prevent others or ourselves from completing the feeling process.

By preventing others from feeling their feelings, we cheat them out of a profound human experience.

WHAT DO YOU WANT????

Beneath all our feelings and our complaints are things we want. People who know what they want are not easily manipulated. Learning to ask for what we want can be a powerful tool in all of our relationships.

CLAIMING CREATIVITY

Codependency is two people fighting over who are responsible. Co-commitment begins the moment one person says, “I’m willing to own how I helped to create this problem.” It is complete when the other is also willing to take responsibility for how they created it.

LEARNING TO TELL THE MICROSCOPIC TRUTH

Most of us have learned that truth equals pain. We’ve been laughed at, punished, censured and inconvenienced when we have told the truth in the past. Truth is that which cannot be argued about. “John is a jerk.” should be, “I am angry with John.” or even more microscopic, “I’m scared of that part of me that John represents.” In close relationships, truth is a clear statement of feelings, or body sensations, such as, “I’m scared, I’m hurt, My Shoulders feel tight when you talk.” or “When you told me about the other woman, I felt a wave of nausea and I’m still feeling it.”

DRAW A CLEAR, SHARP DISTINCTION BETWEEN TRUTH AND JUDGMENT.

Instead of, “You are so selfish.” Say, “I feel like my needs are being neglected. I need more of your time.”

MICROSCOPIC TRUTH IS NEVER RIGHTEOUS.

IT IS ALWAYS A CLEAR, SPECIFIC STATEMENT OF WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE, RIGHT HEAR AND NOW. Such as, “I’m more vulnerable with you than I’ve ever been before in my life, and this brings up more fear that something will go wrong.”

KEEP YOUR AGREEMENTS

Keeping agreements is essential to co-committed relationships. Each broken agreement leaches energy from within us and from the relationship itself. Breaking agreements is away of communicating hidden anger. If you cannot keep an agreement, tell the microscopic truth about it. “I’m late, I feel frustrated and scared that you might be mad at me.”

LEARN TO LIVE IN A STATE OF CONTINUOUS POSITIVE ENERGY

During our lifetime, we have been programmed to not let ourselves feel too good. We are always thinking that the other shoe is going to drop. We think if we feel good for too long, something bad will happen to us. In a co-committed relationship the central task is to learn to stay in positive energy for longer and longer periods of time. When we feel too good, we invoke some negative experience to bring us down. We have an old association between feeling good and pain. When we feel good for too long we find some way to create pain. Most of us can’t be close to others for very long without creating a problem to limit the positive energy.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WE HAVE TO SOLVE IS HOW TO EXTEND OURSELVES CONTINUOUSLY INTO MORE POSITIVE ENERGY.

We all have limits on how much positive energy we can tolerate. If we go past this limit, an alarm goes off in our unconscious mind. If we do not rest, at this point, allowing time to integrate the energy, our unconscious mind will find a way to stop the flow of positive energy. We are highly skilled at handling negative energy, now we need to create new channels in ourselves for experiencing positive energy. How to feel good naturally, without chemical assistance, is a new task in evolution. We can’t deal with our feelings so we retreat into our minds. Then we can’t deal with our thoughts, so we retreat further into an addiction, at the bottom of it all is that we don’t think we deserve to naturally feel good about ourselves.

HOW DO WE KEEP FROM FEELING GOOD???

1. WE DEFLECT POSITIVE ENERGY -We reject compliments etc.

2. WORRY

3. ARGUMENTS

4. GOING UNCONSCIOUS -We run our old programming

5. WE CONCEAL OUR FEELINGS.

6. WE LIE OR BREAK AGREEMENTS

HOW DO WE KEEP POSITIVE ENERGY FLOWING CONTINUOUSLY?

1. MAKE AND TAKE SPACE - Take space for yourself and make space for your partner. It must be absolutely all right for you to take time off from closeness to allow yourself to integrate and proper to move to a higher level of intimacy.

2. TELL THE TRUTH - Not all of your negative patterns will go away with one application of microscopic truth, but by making it a lifestyle, you will have an easier time of confronting your blocks to intimacy. Seeing blocks and telling the truth about them is the most potent way to dissolve barriers.

3. NON-SEXUAL TOUCH - This is essential to our health, we have literal physical boundaries as well as psycho spiritual ones. By letting yourself be touched, you become more in touch with your feelings. It causes something to relax inside you, which allows more access to the self. Your physical skin becomes healthier and you get healthier in general.

4. TURN YOUR COMPLAINTS INTO REQUESTS - We have been programmed to swallow our wants, or express them with a whine or tantrum, or we rely on someone else to tell us what we want. Learning to ask for what we want at 100% is one of the most powerful skills we can learn.

ADOPT A HEALTHIER BELIEF SYSTEM

SPOT YOUR BARRIERS TO POSITIVE ENERGY

END POWER STRUGGLES - Much conflict is generated over who is right, who is wrong, and whose problem it is. When both are taking 100% responsibility for creating the conflict, no power struggle exists. We can solve problems without anyone being at fault.

BENEFICIAL POSITIVE INTENTIONS

No matter how big the battle with your partner, both of you have only been trying to achieve a positive experience; to feel more accepted, more acknowledged, more capable, more complete, more conflicted, more joyful, more relaxed, more satisfied, more secure, more sexy, more worthwhile, more loved etc. Exploring your partner’s possible positive intention can enable you to stay aware of the basic goodness of your partner and keep unconditional love alive in your heart.

PROBLEM STOPPERS

1. Identify and accept the problem.

2. Look for solutions that are in the best interest of the relationship.

3. be open to various solutions.

4. Learn to combine emotion with reason.

5. Don’t take problems and difference personally.

6. Don’t deny an adversarial reaction if it’s present, but don’t assume one either.

7. Learn to combine detachment with appropriate active steps.

8. Practice deliberate, time-limited patience.

9. be clear about what you want and need.

10 Separate issues from people.

11 Communicate

12 Healthy boundaries are crucial to conflict negotiations.

13 Consistently foregoing what you want and need isn’t conflict negotiation.

14 Avoid power plays

15 Save ultimatums for absolute non-negotiable or last stage negotiations.

16 Take full responsibility for your behavior

17 Always look for the gift or lesson.

THERE ARE GIFTS WITHIN EVERY CONFLICT. BOTH SIDES HAVE SOMETHING TO LEARN. WE ARE PERFECTLY MATCHED TO LEARN FROM AND TEACH EACH OTHER.

* Every upset we experience begins at the instant of self-betrayal. The moment we sell out, give in, swallow our feelings or deny our truth the upset begins.

* Both sides are right. Both have something to contribute something to teach.

* Both sides are “putting up with” something. Until you stop, you cannot move to higher ground, where what you REALLY want is waiting.

* The only way to receive the gift of the conflict is to be true to you. Ask for what you want at 100%. Be true to yourself in a win-win way.

* The conflict is a lesson. You always attract into your life someone whose personal insecurities are perfect for pushing your emotional buttons.

* EACH CONFLICT HAS A BOTTOM LINE. ONE PERSON WANTS THE OTHER TO SAY OR DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC. YOU CAN SHORTEN THE ENTIRE PROCESS IF YOU CAN DISCOVER AT THE ONSET WHAT EXACTLY THE PERSON IS ASKING FOR. ONCE YOU DISCOVER WHAT IT IS AND SAY OR DO WHAT THE OTHER WANTS, THE UPSET DISAPPEARS.

* Usually, each person wants a specific acknowledgement.

* Listening effectively and communicating efficiently can move a relationship forward and end conflict in less then minutes.

See the Light

"True light that makes true vision possible is not the light the body's eyes behold. It is a state of mind that has become so unified that darkness cannot be perceived at all. And thus what is the same is seen as one, while what is not the same remains unnoticed, for it is not there." A Course in Miracles

The Eight Common Problem Areas That Effect Relationships

THE EIGHT COMMON PROBLEM AREAS THAT AFFECT RELATIONSHIPS

1. EXPECTATIONS---What we expect our partner to do or be; what our partner expects us to do our be; what we expect the relationship to do or be.

2. GRATIFICATION---The type of pleasure or reinforcement we seek from the relationship.

3. COMMUNICATION---Our ability to be open with our partner, what we can and cannot talk about.

4. INFLUENCE---Issues of leadership, power, and control in the relationship and the ways we go about getting our needs met within the relationship.

5. TRUST---Our belief in our partner's honesty, reliability, and integrity.

6. BOUNDARIES---The knowledge of where we stop and our partner starts, what thoughts and feelings belong to us and what thoughts and feelings belong to our partner.

7. SOCIABILITY---The way we build our social life and friendships within and around our relationship.

8. CONSEQUENCES---The result of the ways in which we interact with our partner.

CORRECTING OUR PERSPECTIVE

1. FEED YOUR MIND WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS.

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let you mind dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8

2. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON ENCOURAGING MODELS.

Focus your attention on someone you know or admire.

3. FIND THE "GOD OF PEACE" IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.

"And the peace of God shall be with you." Philippians 4:9b

God comes to our aid, changing people, relieving tension, altering difficult circumstances. The more you practice giving your burdens to God, the more exciting it gets to see how God will handle the things that are impossible for you to do anything about.

WHAT ARE YOU EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS PROOF OF AN UNHEALTHY BELIEF SYSTEM????

What belief is manifesting itself in your life to validate its truth?

Are you ready to give up this belief to experience peace, joy and real love???

A COURSE IN MIRACLES ON HEALING

"EACH OF US HAS THE POWER AND RESPONSIBILITY TO HEAL OURSELVES."

"Healing is accomplished the instant the sufferer no longer sees any value in pain. Who would choose suffering unless he thought it brought him something, and something of value to him. He must think it is a small price to pay for something of greater worth. For sickness is an election; a decision."

"A patient decides that this is so, and he recovers. If he decides against recover, he will not be healed. Who is the physician? Only the mind of the patient himself."

Stages of Spiritual growth & THE SIX LAYERS OF CONSCIOUSNESS

INERTIA (non-movement): We are paralyzed by our guilt and fear, our emotional wounds dictate our lives. We look for answers to our pain outside of ourselves which leads us to imitation. The level of non-movement and total "unconsciousness". Life just happens to you and you are totally unaware of your responsibility to create your own reality. We just experience the catatonia of day to day routines, survival. Our energy is stuck.

IMITATION: We then imitate that which we think will lead us to happiness, things such as; Religion, College degrees, Society etc. After we have imitated for a while and still feel that something is missing, our solo spiritual journey begins. "This need not be painful, but it usually is so experienced. It seems like things are being taken away, and it is rarely understood initially that their lack of value is merely being recognized." You have developed the psyche to where you strive for something more. You begin to pay attention to your own growth. You start to move in the direction of your life. You take the first step on the journey to spiritual self-discovery usually by conventional pathways. This stage is vital to your path - a catalyst for change - but don't get stuck here. This stage eases us out of inertia by presenting a precise picture of what's expected and the exact way to realize that expectation. Following a teacher through a proven set of steps gets you moving in the direction of spiritual liberation. It requires total observance of the rules, total surrender to the master, and emerson into a way of life. This is a stage of "spiritual imprisonment". You make the teacher your God; the teaching the absolute truth and end up unable to see the value and meaning of anything else. Instead of it being a path to somewhere else, it becomes an end. Rather than enhancing your own unique life, it becomes a way of life. It is so easy to BECOME rather than USE the form.

IMAGINATION: It is by following the sure lead of intuition that you find your way from chaos to imagination. It is the other side of "falling apart", the putting back together. You return to structure and a system but now the form is of your own creation taught by the Holy Spirit. You have fine-tuned the static out of the situation and you can hear clearly. Imagination is the force that pulls your physical, emotional and mental energies into harmony. You are in vital touch of the rhythms, energy and messages of you body, heart, mind and spirit. You must settle for nothing less than being totally alive. We move more and more out of fear, anger and sadness into joy. Stop the world for a moment and give whole-hearted thought to what you truly want. Put imaginative energy into creating it for yourself.

INTUITION: We then go to the next stage "a period of sorting out". We are trying to discern the valued from the valueless. We find that many, if not most of the things he valued before will merely hinder our ability to transfer what we have learned to new situations as they arise. We then move to the third stage, "a period of relinquishment". Here, we give up the valueless. Here, we learn that where we anticipated grief, we find a happy lightheartedness instead. Where we thought something was asked of us, we find a gift bestowed on us which leads us to a period of settling down." this is a quiet time in which we rest in reasonable peace. "Yet when he is ready to move on, he goes with mighty companions beside him. Now he rests awhile and gathers them before going on. He will not go on from here alone. He is accompanied by the Holy Spirit, who now guides our lives. We now have moved to the level of inspiration. When you reach this stage, you have several options:

A. You can stay within the path, but make it truly you own and shape it to fit the dynamics of
your life
B. Leave and adopt another
C. You find your own divinely inspired way.
As you surrender to the disenchantment, the airtight world of convention vanishes like a childhood fantasy. It is devastating and exhilarating at the same time. Here, the threat of falling apart is real. You go from unconscious, to self-conscious. You experience psychic chaos, the dark night of the soul. This stage is like the chick pecking its way out of the shell. It is painful to you and those around you. When you are willing to let go of the structured, you pay attention to your true self. The calculating mind gives way to your intuition which leads you to venture within to find the source of your power. Now you are open to the Holy Spirit and the messages that no one else n the world can receive. You entertain, explore and express them because you are no longer bound by imitation. Intuition is knowing without thinking. To develop intuition it sometimes requires that you go against your teaching and follow the ways that make sense for you. You enhance your intuition by exercising it. INSPIRATION: You walk with the Holy Spirit and we go through the next stage called "a period of unsettling". "He must learn to lay all judgment aside, and ASK only what the Holy Spirit really wants in every circumstance. Were not each step in this direction so heavily reinforced, it would be hard indeed." Every choice and decision we make is made with the Holy Spirit as our guide. We experience miracles, synchronicity and unusual coincidences which propel us forward along our life path.Conscious creation ceases. When we are grounded in our body, pure in our heart, clear in our mind, rooted in our soul and suffused with the energy, the spirit of life is our birthright. You are drawn to solitude and stillness. You ask questions and wait for answers. Solitude and silence are invitations to our deepest self. The movement from inertia to ECSTASY is never-ending and ever changing. In inertia our fullness is empty in ecstasy our emptiness is full. ECSTASY: "a period of achievement" It is here that learning is consolidated. Tranquility is the result: It is the outcome of honest learning, consistency of thought and full transfer. " This is the stage of real peace, for here is Heaven's state fully reflected. From here, the way to Heaven is open and easy, In fact, it is here." Healing is about finding your lost spirit, getting out of your head and into your heart, finding your wholeness through your adversity. Healing is the unification of all forces, being, feeling, knowing and seeing. The only healing is spirit healing and spiritual healing means taking responsibility for the whole person.

SPIRIT LAYERS

As the life cycles map our external journey, the spirit layers chart our inner journey from death to "rebirth". Our spirit is the dimension of ourselves that connects us to the whole.

Search your relationships. Are they Holy Relationships, or entanglements? Entanglements are relationships that are co-dependent, controlling, and come from all of our unhealed places.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A “CODEPENDENT” RELATIONSHIP AND “HOLY”RELATIONSHIP

CODEPENDENCY – “WHEN ONE HAS LET SOMEONE ELSE'S BEHAVIOR AFFECT HIM OR HER, AND IS OBSESSED WITH CONTROLLING OTHER PEOPLES BEHAVIOR”

CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP

A Distortion of the Mind

1. We cease to act in our own best interest.

2. We are trying to get something.

3. We have no self-esteem.

4. We lose ourselves.

5. We HAVE to be there.

6. The relationship is based on illusion.

7. We want only to be right, to make the other person wrong or needy.

8. Our motive is to possess the other person and make them totally dependent on us

CODEPENDENCY --- From Braking free from the codependency trap

Barry K and Janae B. Winhold Ph.D.

Codependency is a psychological disorder caused by a failure to complete one of the most important developmental tasks of early childhood, that of establishing PSYCHOLOGICAL autonomy, (BECOMING SELF-GOVERNING AND INDEPENDENT.)

MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY

* Feeling addicted to a certain person.

* Feeling trapped in abusive, controlling relationships.

* Having low self-esteem.

* Needing constant approval and support from others in order to feel good about ourselves.

* Feeling powerless to change relationships.

* Needing alcohol, food, work, sex or some other outside stimulation to distract you from your f feelings.

* Redefining psychological boundaries.

* Feeling like a martyr.

* You are a "people pleaser".

* You are unable to experience true intimacy and love.

CODEPENDENT TEND TO:

Be unable to distinguish their own thoughts and feelings from those of others. (You think for and feel responsible for other people,)

Seek the approval and attention of others in order to feel good.

Feel anxious or guilty when others have a problem.

Do things to please others even when they don't want to.

Not know what they need or want.

Rely on others to define their needs and wants.

Believe that others know what is best for them.

Focus all their energy on other people and on their happiness instead of their own happiness.

Feel unappreciated and unseen by others.

Blame themselves when things go wrong.

Fear rejection of others.

Live their life as if they are a victim of circumstances.

Wish others would like or love them more.

Try not to make demands on others.

Be afraid to express their true feelings for fear of rejection.

Let others hurt then without trying to protect themselves.

Find it hard to be alone with themselves.

Keep busy so they don’t have to thing about things.

Lie to protect and cover-up for people they love.

Find it difficult to be close to others.

Find it difficult to have fun or be spontaneous.

Feel controlled by the feelings of others

Feel like someone else needs to change in order for him or her to feel better

RECOVERING FROM CODEPENDENCY REQUIRES

1. Admitting that there is a problem that you cannot solve with your current information and resources.

2. Learn the real causes of your problem.

3. Learn to identity symptoms of the problem as they exist in your current relationship.

4. Stop blaming your problem on others.

5. Stop blaming or criticizing yourself for you lack of perfection.

6. Stop using power plays and manipulation to get what you want.

7. Be willing to ask for what you want all of the time.

8. Learn to fully feel and express all of your feelings.

9. Take steps to develop a strong inner awareness of your thoughts, feelings, values, needs wants and desires.

10. Learn to define your boundaries in relations to others.

11. Learn to live in relationship with your true self, allowing for the development of your fullest potential.

Codependency is caused by failure to complete certain developmental tasks particularly BONDING AND SEPARATION during the first six years of life. If something disrupts our completion we will continue to recycle during life, trying to find completion.

THE LAW OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT: Anything left unresolved or incomplete in

your life will persist and press for completion. A codependent person will get stuck in trying to

complete these cycles by 1) Becoming very attached or dependent or 2) Trying to complete

SEPARATION or autonomy by being very unattached or counter dependent or 3) Cycling back

and forth between the two.These tasks are either completed or missed almost exclusively within

the MOTHER / CHILD relationship. Development is a continual process from conception until

death. It is sequential. One task helps provide the foundation for the nest. Un-mastered tasks are

carried along as baggage into subsequent developmental stages.

We are born codependent- Bonding occurs. We are one with the mother. We learn to trust. We

need the mother, the mother needs us.

From 18 to 36 months we learn to be counter-dependent. Separation is the primary task; both

parents and child have a strong need to be independent.

At three years old we move to independence. We are able to function autonomously and still feel

related to our parents. Here, we develop a sense of self we learn responsibility for our actions, we

identify feelings in our self and others and we appropriate our sex role identification.

From 6 to 12 years of age, we develop INTERDEPENDENCE, where we are able to move

comfortable back and forth between oneness and separateness. This forges the

“PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH”.

PARENTS CAN INTERFERE WITH SEPARATION AND DIFFERENTIATION FATHERS MAY TEACH GIRL THAT THEY NEED TO BE RESCUED BY MEN AND ENCOURAGE BOYS TO DEVALUE WOMEN AND OVER VALUE MEN. PARENTS WHO HAVE NOT COMPLETED THEIR OWN PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH, DO NOT HAVE THE TOOLS TO HELP THEIR CHILDREN COMPLETE THIS TASK.

OBJECT CONSTANCY

Object constancy is the ability to see yourself and others as separate objects with both good and be

qualities. You accept that no Human Being is perfectly good or absolutely evil. You can accept the

imperfections of your loved ones and yourself and still hold onto your goodness even when your

most personal demons torment you. You can take responsibility for your conflicting behaviors,

feelings and thoughts and do not have to project them onto others. This is accomplished by

rediscovering the mother and father, as a more separate being after returning to them from

separation to explore the world. The child begins to realize their separateness and feel scared and

vulnerable. A battle of wills begin, he demands his parents attention and presence. Angry

outbursts and temper tantrums occur as a release of the frustration and tension from their body.

Then the child feels calm and at peace. He wants to forgive and be forgiven.

REASSURANCE IS ALL THAT IT TAKES TO LET THE CHILD KNOW THAT HE IS STILL LOVED BUT MOST PARENTS GET CAUGHT UP IN A BATTLE OF WILLS AND FIND IT HARD TO SIMPLY FORGIVE AND FORGET.

98% of us are codependent. Parents who haven’t completed their developmental tasks at the

appropriate age have a “fear of closeness” and a “fear of separation”. Fear of closeness may create

anxiety that they will be engulfed by their child and lose their own somewhat fragile sense of

separateness. On the other hand, their fear of separation may arise when their child pulls away to

become separate. These conflicting messages often interfere with normal developmental processes

in their child. When the child fails to grasp the concept of object constancy, he tends to see

everything as either all bad or all good. When he sees his parents as all bad, he sees himself as all

bad.

WHEN WE FAIL TO BOND AND OR SEPARATE FROM OUR PARENTS WE REPLAY THESE ROLES WITHIN OUR ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.

WE CREATE “OPPOSITE” RELATIONSHIPS: A person with emotionally distant parents often

marries a person who is dependent and attached while a person with dependent and attached

parents seek a mate who is detached. These issues recycle frequently and press for completion.

The conflict is usually a replay of the conflict experienced with either parent and needs to be seen

as an opportunity for growth rather than as dysfunctional behavior. We always have the ability to

heal our past in our present relationships.

OR WE MAKE OUR PARTNERS DEPENDENT ON US: If you can make your partner dependent

upon you, than he or she can’t stray to far away. If he or she does, you can pull them back by doing

things you know you can do for them that they believe they can’t do for themselves. Each controls

the other through codependency.

WHEN WE FAIL TO BOND AND OR SEPARATE FROM OUR PARENTS WE REPLAY THESE ROLES WITHIN OUR ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.

HOLY RELATIONSHIP

A wholeness of the mind

1. We want the best for every person.

2. We “give” from ourselves 3. We feel good about ourselves.

4. We find ourselves

5.We Want to be there. 6.The relationship is based truth 7. Being loved is more important than being right.

8. Our motive is to allow the other person to find their wholeness within themselves

STEPS FOR MAKING RELATIONSHIPS HOLY

1. Review your relationships and select the one in which you feel most vulnerable to hurt or pain. Now recognize that you can hurt yourself only by your own thoughts. Then say to yourself, “I am determined not to attack myself again. I choose to experience only love instead of pain in my relationship with you today.”

2. Let go today, if only for a moment, of the belief that anyone has the power to hurt you. Instead, say to whomever you feel threatened by, ÒI see you joined with me in the light of Gods healing love.”

3. Reaffirm your willingness to see only the God-self in everyone you meet today. Be open to seeing and hearing only loving faces and words today.

4. If you feel that your peace of mind is being threatened in any relationship today say to

yourself, “I will not use you to block my awareness of Gods presence in both of us.”

5. At least three times today, repeat the following affirmation: “Since I am surrounded and protected by the love of God, I choose not to hurt myself today.”

6. Think of one person in your life whom you rely on and expect to meet your needs. Silently say to this person, “I give you my love rather than the power to decide for me whether I am going to be peaceful or in conflict today.” As you repeat this, recognize that you are already complete and whole within yourself and that you no longer wish to hold on to the guilt that comes from believing that you are separate and dependent on another.

7. On a day that you are feeling depressed, fearful, or guilty, select someone - anyone will do - and for just one second concentrate on loving that person totally and completely. You don’t have to say a word and the person doesn’t have to be in your physical environment. Just focus on giving your love to that person, and you will fell the healing power of love in your own life, healing you of you depression, fear and guilt.

8. Learn that giving and receiving are the same by saying in every situation or interaction you experience throughout the day “Giving love away is how I keep it for myself. Am I now giving what I want to keep?”

9. Recognize that whatever feelings you experience today, peace or love, or some form of fear, anger, depression etc. are determined by the thoughts you put into your mind. Choose to hold on to only the thoughts that you want.

10. Remind yourself often that choosing LOVE offers freedom from fear. Be determined to claim your freedom and let thoughts of love replace all your fear.

11. When you think things are going wrong in your life, stop for a moment and say to yourself, “It is not other people or situation that cause me to be unhappy. I can choose peace instead of this.”

12. Since we know that we can be hurt only by our thoughts, resist the temptation to blame others. Instead, claim the opportunity to see yourself and everyone else as free from guilt and fear.

A.C.I.M. “TO THE EXTENT THAT WE WANT SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE, TO THAT EXACT DEGREE WILL WE BE IN PAIN, FOR IT IS DESIRE THAT BRINGS PAIN AND IT IS LOVE THAT BRINGS JOY.

RETRAINING THE MIND

Ask yourself the following questions in all circumstances, private or interpersonal:

1. Do I choose to experience peace of mind or do I choose to experience conflict?

2. Do I choose to experience love or fear?

3. Do I choose to be a Love finder or a faultfinder?

4. Do I choose to be a Love Giver or a Love Seeker?

MANY OF OUR THOUGHTS, STATEMENTS AND ACTIONS ARE NOT LOVING. IF WE WANT PEACE OF MIND, IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT OUR COMMUNICATION WITH OTHERS BRINGS ABOUT A SENSE OF JOINING. TO HAVE INNER PEACE AND TO EXPERIENCE LOVE, WE MUST BE CONSISTENT IN WHAT WE THINK, SAY AND DO.

Psychological autonomy is necessary for the development of the self, separate from the parents.

AUTONOMY: People who have successfully completed this developmental task are no longer

dependent upon people or things outside themselves to guide their way. They have a solid inner

sense of their uniqueness and of who they are. They can get close to others without fearing the

LOSS OF SELF. They can also maintain a positive self-image even when they receive criticism

from others. Failure to complete this developmental task can rob people of their full humanness

and force them to live severely limited lives dominated by fear, compulsive behaviors and

addictions.

In order for children to develop in a healthy way, it requires two healthy parents who allow the

child to explore his world fully, to express himself without criticism and to have independent

thoughts. The parents must model effective psychological independence by asking directly for

what they want, expressing their own feelings effectively, setting appropriate limits and

negotiating directly to get their needs met without using power plays or games.

LEVELS OF TEACHING

1. CHANCE meetings, casual encounters

2. A SUSTAINED relationship - Two enter into an intense teaching-learning situation and then they appear to separate.

3. LIFELONG relationships - Each person is given a “chosen learning partner” who present him with unlimited opportunities for learning. This are few because both parties must be on the exact same level. They are both in the same stage at the same time.

"These may even be quite hostile, yet the perfect lesson is before them and can be learned. And they become the saviors of the teachers who falter and may even seem to fail. No teacher of God can fail to find the Help he needs.

"Each teaching-learning situation involves a different relationship at the beginning although the ultimate goal is always the same; to make of the relationship a Holy relationship, in which both can look upon the Son of God as sinless."

"The plan includes very specific contacts to be made for each teacher and student. There are no accidents in salvation. Those who are to meet will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship. They are ready for each other."

"Each teaching-learning situation is maximal in the sense that each person involved will learn the most that he can from the other person at the time."

"To teach is to learn, so teacher and learner are the same."

"You cannot give to someone else, but only to yourself, and this you learn through teaching."